I could understand that, the idea made perfect sense to me. But now, I can attest to the fact that she was right.
As you know if you’ve read my last post, I’ve recently experienced a major shift in relation to a big old stuck. That was already pretty awesome. What’s even better is that I’ve felt other shifts happening since then. Well, I guess it doesn’t hurt that I’ve been doing Shiva Nata and journaling every day since the beginning of the month…
The funny thing is that I was trying to remember what were those stucknesses I had felt moving since that big epiphany, and I simply couldn’t; I had to go back to what I wrote in my journal a few days ago in order to find some hints. I wondered if that was because I had only dreamed that those pieces of stuck had loosened up a bit, or if that was because they had shifted so much that I couldn’t even remember what the “before” was like now that I’d been living in the “after” for a little while. Thankfully, that wasn’t a dream: there really has been progress happening!
Another thing I have learned at the retreat – I knew it before, but it became clear that the issue was bigger and deeper than I’d thought – is that I’m internally dealing with enormous amounts of resistance. Resistance to doing what would make my projects move forward, resistance to doing the things that would help me deal with my stucknesses, resistance, resistance, resistance.* It’s now quite obvious to me that resistance was at the root of the issues I’ve felt shifting since my big epiphany, those issues being the difficulty I was having with cultivating a really strong desire to do the things I wanted to be doing, and with being truly and deeply committed to them.
*To give you an idea of how strong that resistance is, every piece of stuck I have went into hiding when I arrived at the retreat. I was there to work on it and nothing would show up, as if all was well in my wonderful little world. Argh, the frustration! Thankfully, Havi has genius (and really effective!) techniques to make the stuck come out of hiding…
Interestingly, while I don’t feel like those issues are resolved, it feels like they’re no longer as relevant as they were before – as if I had somehow sidestepped the problem, or as if they didn’t fit in my new reality.
Anyways, some of those things are still a bit fuzzy, but this is clear: those shifts radically altered my mood, in a very very good way. You should have seen me last weekend! I was the very definition of happy! I’d even say: euphorically happy. Finally seeing that I was moving forward made me feel happier, lighter, and more hopeful than I’ve had in a long-ish time. Oh, was that good!
I’m not writing in the past tense because all of that is gone, no! The euphoria has cooled down (thank goodness, my gentleman friend would say), but I’m still in the happy. All of those shifts, though, are recent so I’m kind of in transition. Oh, I’ve adjusted to feeling that good relatively quickly… but now that I’ve tasted it, I want it to last. And I’ve come to realise that the happiness won’t last if I’m not changing some patterns. Ah, we’re never done working on our stuff, are we? :)
I need to do stuff that would make me feel good about myself, most notably working on my Thing. The problem is that the way I’m using my time doesn’t support that, and I’m really not proud of it. I need to adjust my time usage in order to be able to do what I want to be doing, which would mean forward movement, would make me prouder, and would help ensure continued happiness. That’s not an easy transition for me to make. It’s much easier to keep filling my days with the easy stuff (reading blogs, goofing off on Twitter, etc.), and very hard to start doing the stuff that’s hard for me (working towards putting my Thing out there, having a conversation with my resistance to learn more about what it needs, etc.). I know this sounds evident, but understanding this in my body a few days ago made a difference.
Now what? How to navigate that transition from where I am to that place where I want to go because I *need* to move forward so that I can continue feeling good? How to find ways to transition my time usage from not making me proud to supporting me and my happiness? I’ve tried before – oh have I tried! – to find ways to make better use of my time, to no avail. Two things were needed, I think: a loosening up of the resistance, and some gentle support and help in a form that I can use (it’s not all support and help that comes in a form that I can use).
Even though I’ve often tried and failed, I’m hopeful this time, because it appears that both needs may be met. The resistance isn’t quite as strong, and I think it quite enjoys the happiness too, so it’ll be easier to negotiate the possibility to try something new that would support me. Also, I think I’ve found the gentle support I need with the Sailboat Kit that Eileen of Soul Sleuthing has put together. The sailboat is her metaphor for her schedule and is, as she says, “weekly time management for people who hate structure (but love metaphors)” – that totally sounds like me!
I love how perfect the timing is – Eileen has launched this kit this week, precisely when everything in my life converged to make it clear that I need help with that problem, like, *now*. I have a feeling that this tool will greatly help me navigate the transition I need to make in how I use my time. Even just sitting down to formally do the preliminary reflection before I can start building my own sailboat will certainly prove invaluable – and the fact that I’m honestly looking forward to it? Priceless! Funny how metaphors can trump the resistance…
Anyways, I have some major shifts and transitions to navigate, so I’d better get busy building my sailboat… I’ll report back from the sea!